MARRIAGE PREPARATION ST FRANCIS OF ASSISI, WATERKLOOF

Marriage preparation workshops are run at St Francis on a regular basis and are open to couples from all parishes and all denominations.

This does not excuse the priest from his responsibility, neither does it take over his job, but allows lay people to interact in a non-threatening way to discuss areas pertinent to marriage in an open and honest manner. We encourage priests to use us and are available to give them as much feedback as they would like. When a couple approaches the church for marriage, there will be an introductory meeting with the priest, who can then recommend that the couple attends the workshops.

The more couples attending a workshop the better, as it gives more variety and input. The course follows a short talk with guidelines, usually an exercise for the couple and a "situation" which they sort out in a group. The aim is to get couples to look at situations from each other's point of view and not to work on the assumption "my partner thinks like me". Most couples expect their future home to work more or less as their own family home worked, e.g. "My mother handled the money and paid the bills, so the wife should do this," or "My father played golf every Wednesday afternoon, Saturday morning and most Sunday afternoons, so this should be fine for me."

We cover the following topics:

• Money Management – Couples complete a "gut feel budget" and then add reality checks. They are also given guidelines on what percentage to spend on bonds, food, insurances, etc. As a group they discuss problems such as buying an extravagant item without the spouse's consent, intervention by parents who "bail" out their daughter if they think the husband isn't supporting her properly, etc.
• Communication – How do we communicate? What areas do we need to improve? Reference is also made to how things were done in the couple's family homes that they will expect.
• Abuse in Relationships – We look at not only physical and substance abuse, but how we abuse relationships by, for example, playing too much sport, working too many hours etc. We deal with the expectations of each partner as regards what is acceptable, which is obviously different for each couple.
• Parents and Parenting – The first obvious question is "Do you want to be a parent?". Then we look at expectations as regards discipline, working etc, and also deal with how couples respond to their own parents and make agreements on caring for their parents in the future.
• Sex – We talk about the responsibility of family planning and various methods, why God invented sex, acceptable sexual behaviour, and each couple discusses a questionnaire on their own expectations.
• Why Bother to Get Married in Church – This discussion helps us to find out what the couple's perception of religion is. We then delve into good and bad experiences they have had with the church and look at the problems and practicalities of interdenominational marriages, as well as marriages where one partner is very committed and the other is not interested. We also testify to them why we think it is important to have God as the centre of their marriage. We send them back to the priest to discuss areas that they are battling with and to make their wedding day the day they want it to be.

Following the workshop, each couple has an individual session with a leader where we follow up on any problems that may have arisen during the course and talk to them about their individual relationship.

The couple then returns to their priest to discuss the workshop, marriage ceremony and practicalities. They are encouraged to let their priest know their negative feelings so that the priest and the couple can understand each other's needs and the wedding day will not be spoilt. For example, some one may say, "I feel very uncomfortable when I go to church and people are waving their arms and shouting Amen and Allelujah, and my future father-in-law is very conservative and I'm worried about it." They need to tell their priest this, so that on THEIR wedding day the priest doesn't start the service with something like, "What a wonderful day, Allelujah, praise the Lord, let's all have a time of openly giving thanks to God."

We also present an additional course for preparing people for Remarriage, which includes the above, but also adds step children, visitation rights, old ties and new commitments, setting up a home that is "ours", and other aspects of divorce and remarriage.